The Friend-of-a-Friend...

How I found myself at a motorcycle bar is beyond me. Its eerie the things you find in the higher numbered streets of SoMa. But there I was with some friends from work for the launch party of a new magazine. The crowd was fairly normal and I was ready to have some fun. As I walk up to the bar, my friend introduces me to a guy already at the bar...his friend from Ohio. Not bad.

Pros:

pretty blue eyes

great smile

Cons:

short'ish

smoker

Here's the catch, Blind-Date-Bootie (BDB) happened to come meet me there that night.

After dancing some on the dancefloor and downing a few bottles of beer, I saunter back to the bar only to have my friend whisper in my ear that his buddy thinks I'm pretty. Something about finding out that a guy thinks you're "pretty" that makes a girl weak in the knees. I sit down and start talking to him. He asks me right away what "the deal is" with the BDB. I say we're just friends and start doing my best semi-drunk flirting. By the end of the night, we're leaning into each other and holding hands, even. I leave BDB behind, and the rest of us take off.

My friends say they're going in one direction, Friend of a Friend going the other. I need to make a choice...and its clear...I'm going with Friend of a Friend. We hold hands and walk several blocks towards his home. At each corner, he pulls me in and kisses me. He's an amazing, sweet kisser. He holds me and keeps me warm. He draws me close to him when we walk past people that might be unsafe. I'm smitten.

We get to his place and immediately the clothes come off. I'm feeling this guy. But as he gets on top of me, and after just a few thrusts, he gets up. Thinking he wants to change positions, I try to oblige...only to realize, ummm...he's done. Just like that. Quick-draw-mcgraw. Wow.

Ok...maybe he'll reload quickly and we can go for round 2. But when he's ready, same thing. In and done. We fall asleep for a bit, wake up, and try round 3. In and done.

He invites me to stay the night, but by this time, I'm thinking its best I call a taxi and bounce.

Walk of shame down to the street corner...late night taxi back home...only to realize that I left my panties at his place...great...

The Moment of Truth...

Last week I went to a holiday party for an online newspaper in the city. I guess I should preface this story with the fact that I found out about this open party while cyber-stalking The Kid. I read his twitter, I "know" his friends, and one of them happens to write for this site and I knew The Friend would at least be there. Whether or not The Kid would be...well...I didn't want to think that far ahead.

I asked some friends to go with me and we were off. I think I looked pretty good that night...so I was ready to have some fun. We got there and the place was filled with hipsters and freaks. But the beer was free and I was on a mission to meet The Kid's friend. After some asking around, I finally get introduced to The Friend. He's adorable and friendly and seemed so thankful that I read his stuff (I tried VERY hard to make sure there was no mention of the fact that it was my cyber-stalking that led me to his site...) I came across a lot less cool than I had hoped...almost groupie-esque and a bit of a bumbling idiot...but I was nervous. In my head, I'd meet The Friend, he'd think I was cool as shit, and he'd mention to The Kid the next day about this cool as shit hot girl, and the kid would be intrigued, and we'd meet and later find we "knew" each other all along. (I am a FREAK...I know...)

In any case, that was that...until...IN WALKS THE KID! I knew immediately it was him. It was this odd experience like a spotlight was shown down on him. Online, The Kids pictures all look so different that I was pretty sure I wouldn't recognize him on the street if I ever bumped into him. I was so wrong. I knew. I think I lost all feeling in my limbs and the blood rushed from my face. How does this 25 year old who I have never met have this kind of effect over me?

After about 1/2 hour of him mingling, I see him go to the bar...so I casually go up as well...but I couldn't face him. I wasn't ready to either 1) have him recognize me or 2) introduce myself to him. So, I walked away.

Later, as I'm standing with my friends at a table near the bathroom, who do I notice right behind me but The Kid waiting in line. I almost died. I wanted him to tap me on the shoulder with his gorgeous smile and tell me he knew exactly who I was. He didn't. Oddly, however, The Friend approached me again and struck up more conversation. I was, at this point, both faded and in some alternate-reality being this close to The Kid in real life, so I was even more of an idiot when talking to The Friend. In any case, The Friend mentioned his design partner and points to The Kid. I can't even look and pretend I don't even hear him. I just didn't have the guts and it was all too much torture.

I bid my adieu to The Friend, grabbed my stuff with my posse, and then and there, with The Kid still in line for the bathroom, and having not introduced myself...we left...

And there you have it...I was too chicken to meet The Kid...and I'm kicking myself for it...as I'm certain that it was my one and only chance to make it happen...all the while trying to console myself with the reminder that he's only 25 and it all wouldn't matter anyway...

Bah...

The One Liner

One Liner came to me through, what else, okcupid. I wasn't immediately attracted to him and the messages we exchanged were kinda weird...I was worried about his poor grammar! But, what the heck...ha!

Pros

Former triathlete

6'1"

blue eyes

Cons

weird conversationalist

unemployed

doesn't drink

We met at the BART station as we came to find that both of us lived in the East Bay but neither of us had cars. He was better looking in person that I had expected...tall, lean, dark...and blue eyes. But there was just something weird about him. About 2 minutes into conversation, he told me he was unemployed. Ummm...ok, so are a lot of people these days so it might be ok.

We walked around Lake Merritt on a freezing cold night...for TWO MILES (note, I am in my work heels!)...and made our way to Starbucks. He tried holding my hand a couple times. Weird. I ordered, he ordered, and then he walked away...guess that means I've got the bill. Jerk.

The conversation was so labored and I really felt like we did NOT speak the same language! And as it came time to leave, I just wanted to hail a cab back to the BART...but off we went on the 2 mile journey.

Detour...suddenly, we're walking up this little hill into this cute little apartment building...yes, his. His place was super cute and he had WAY MORE clothes than any man I've met. The place was clean and well-decorated. Things are looking up. I later find out that he's got a masters degree in education and was a HS counselor. Ok, not bad.

As we sit and watch tv, he turns towards me, and what I thought was going to be a kiss, he aimed lower and went straight to the breasts. Kinda turned me on so I let him go...and as the clothes came off, I was yet again amazed how large this guy was! I'll ignore the weird stuff, like when I was down on him, he tried slapping my face gently with it. (WTF?!). So, we made our way to the bed, and again, the sex was really, really good...

We did a lot of experimenting and I liked the positions and the pace. But, the one thing that really just bugged the crap out of me was his ONE LINE: "yeah, baby, yeah". That was just all he could say. Over. and over. and over again. I don't think it would've been that obvious except for the fact that he's like Mr. Marathon Man and it went on for some time.

In any case, after all was said and done, it was a nice night but I doubt I'll see him again. As if the walk of shame weren't bad enough...he insisted that he take me to the BART station...on his bike...I shit you not. I've reached a new low.

W.T.F.!!!

Just as I was finishing up my last post on The Anti Soc (notice: 1:30am on a Sunday...meaning home all night on a Saturday...dateless...), I noticed a missed call on my phone...1:05am...

The Kid.

I hadn't heard from the kid since Thanksgiving when he mysteriously dropped off the face of the earth.

I know not to have any expectations. I'm certain it was either an Accidental Ass Call (but there was no VM with just shuffling sounds and muffled voices), he meant to call someone else and her name was close to mine, or he was drunk enough to confront me to tell me to stop cyberstalking him.

Yes, I've been cyberstalking him. I'm obsessed. He's kinda ruined me right now...the connection in conversation was too great not to be bummed when I don't get that with the other losers I've been encountering. And he works in web design, he probably knows all the tricks on finding out who's checking out your websites. Bah. I've been caught.

OR, he could have called because he remembered our great conversations and connection and thought to check in to see what was up with me at which point he'd profess his instant love and we'd overlook our age difference and we'd end up happily ever after.

Right?

I'm not calling him back. The fantasy of him is most certainly bound to be better than the reality...

The Anti-Soc

I was heading out on Friday for happy hour with friends. I had been doing my liver some great injustice as of late so only anticipated staying for 1-2 rounds...plus I looked like a slob that day and wasn't feeling being out on a Friday night. As I was leaving, Blind-Date-Bootie text me asking what was up. I invited him to meet up with us certain that he'd never come.

He came.

He stood in the corner of the bar, texting on his phone all night. Whenever I tried to pay some attention to him, he played it cool. He didn't want to meet my friends. He just sat there sipping his beer or texting his other booties. Annoying. As I got progressively more and more drunk, I must've been raping him something silly because he pretty much told me straight up that he didn't like "that PDA shit". Whatever. See you later.

Oh yeah, I don't remember the 2nd half of the night, woke up in my bed at home with a pool of vomit in my bathroom and had to call all my friends to ask what happened. Not one of my better moments. But I digress...

When I came to, I checked my phone to find I missed calls and texts from him...so apparently he's still interested. He text me the day after to see if I was ok. I was brutally hungover, and definitely not feeling him.

I should've known better. 1) he didn't look as good as he did when he was naked, in the dark, in my bed and 2) the guy could not handle my social circle...immediate fail there.

I'm cutting him off...even for the bootie...just not into it...

The Kid

I met The Kid on a slow day at work...the Wednesday before Thanksgiving we starting chatting from the okcupid site. He was so cute and his profile was this perfect combination of self-deprecation and wit. I was immediately interested...except for the fact that he was 25. Ack. No good. But I couldn't help myself.

Pros:

Big blue eyes

Successful

Sharp wit

Loves SF

Cons:

25

25

25

Maybe TOO cute? (ridiculously good looking men intimidate me!)

After chatting online, he text me and we eventually talked on the phone. He was sweet, charming, funny, got my humor immediately...the banter was great. I was finding myself smitten...total crush. Plus, did I mention he was beautiful? We text throughout Thanksgiving morning and I started to convince myself that MAYBE I could date a 25 year old...I mean, he was more successful, interesting, and brilliant than any of the 30+ year olds I was meeting!

And then, as quickly as had started, it stopped. No more texts. No more emails. No more phone calls. Literally...like the next day. After retracing my steps, our conversations, everything, I couldn't figure out what happened. And then I remembered...he's 25. You can't count on a kid. Dang you, kid.

Still kinda hoping we'll run into each other in the city one day and he'll fall for me immediately. But, I'll probably be too busy dating the jerks and deadbeats to even notice...

The Blind Date Bootie

Blind Date Bootie first contacted me through OkCupid. His message: "Hi Cutie". Yup, that's it. Clearly, that's all it took.

Pros:

Blue eyes

6'1"

Good looking

Great phone voice

Rides a motorcycle

Cons:

Man of few words

Sex fiend

Never asked me out on a date

Always home during the day (do you work?)

After our initial exchanges through the dating site, we started gchatting. It did NOT take long for it to turn into innuendo and then out-rite sex talk. I was ok with this...he was hot. I was down for it.

But that's ALL he talked about. And he started asking things like "what's the biggest you've had?". And wanted to know details about my sex life. It was a little kinky and I began to think it was an 18-yr old boy on the other end...that or one of my coworkers playing a cruel trick on me. This guy was obsessed with the guys I had been with in the past. I teased him and played it off by saying things like "are you worried you're not big enough?" and "are you sure you didn't mistakenly mean to put "guy dating guy" in your online profile?"

Well, he was persistent, hot, and I was horny. So we scheduled to meet up. He was gonna come over. No date. No pleasantries. Just open the door, introduce ourselves, and get it on. And that's exactly how it happened. Shit you not. Ha!

I was nervous waiting for him to come. It was 11pm on a Sunday night...there was no mistaking this for anything other than what it was. He knocked on the door, I opened it, he was gorgeous, tall, lean, smiled, had a great voice when introducing himself, seemed totally comfortable with the situation (which should have made me think he's done this before but actually made me really attracted to his confidence), and then he kissed me. That was one helluva kiss!

We made out on the couch and he took off my blouse like a pro. Made our way to the bedroom and I took off his pants like a pro. HE WAS HUGE! I was kinda scared. But he went down on me and knew exactly what he was doing. It led to some amazing sex...painful at first...but just what I needed. He was throwing me around like a rag doll in all kinds of positions and I just submit to him. I came 3 times total. When he finally came, he let out this weird series of moans that made me kinda cringe, but who's to judge...

He held me, cuddled, spooned, and stayed the night. He jerked and twitched a lot in his sleep. Weird. I woke him up early in the morning so I could get to work. We kissed goodbye and off he went. I was hecka sore.

He keeps texting me for more bootie. But, I know nothing about him and he wasn't willing to give any info up. So, I've been hesitant.

The final straw was when he asked if we could meet for a "nooner"...and if we could have sex in my car. Are you serious?

No thank you.